My surrogacy journey has definitely led me to intimately understand the phrase ‘emotional rollercoaster’. The entire process has been an incredible mush of thoughts and feelings, however the last two weeks have been particularly intense.
To start with, my hubby was away in Japan and I missed him deeply. We are a very close couple and whenever he is away I absolutely ache for him (sappy, but true). I’m known as a bit of a stress-head and when he is gone, this side of me seems to crawl out to say ‘boo’. While I have been practicing being a calm, serene, earth mother, (only 3 months to go and good luck to me!) during Ash’s recent trip, I just lost it altogether. I think trying to manage a combination of factors including my poor health, medical treatments, long train trips, a terribly rude furniture company and an overbooked diary just sent me over the edge. I found myself in puddles of tears with my cats for comfort on numerous occasions. I kept thinking: “This isn’t how I should feel in the lead up to becoming a mama. I shouldn’t be sick and tired and crying at the drop of a hat. I should be happy and healthy and smiling from ear to ear.”
Of course, I did, and do, have happy moments. I am absolutely ecstatic most of the time. I am buzzing with excitement about my little Pandysas on the way. To be honest, I am quite sure that I am extremely hormonal and experiencing some kind of sympathetic pregnancy symptoms. Apparently this is not at all uncommon when it comes to surrogacy. All I know is the following:
- My emotions are all over the place (crying, laughing, cranky – you never know what you are going to get these days)
- I’m hungrier than I’ve ever been and eating all sorts of foods that I would never usually touch (nope, I’m not going to escape this pregnancy without putting on any weight!)
- I have suddenly developed an obsession with cleanliness – I just can’t stop cleaning.
- I feel like a ferocious lion when anyone speaks negatively of the surrogacy or suggests something about my daughter’s upbringing or future that I don’t agree with.
Do those symptoms sound common of a woman about to have a baby? Hmmmmm…..
I am just rolling with it and forging forward to the birthdate!
Kerri-ann, who is ACTUALLY pregnant, is doing wonderfully. We’ve had another ante-natal appointment since I last wrote; this time with doctors instead of midwives. At 23 weeks, she was measuring perfectly at 23cm. We are going to keep an eye out for gestational diabetes as a precaution because her previous babies were big bubbas. We’ve booked in for a glucose test in a few weeks. The only thing we have to manage is that her iron is slightly low. Upon receiving the news, she got some iron and vitamin c tablets and I received a text the next day informing me that after two doses she felt a million times better, ‘like she could climb a tree’. Of course, I promptly begged her to please not climb any trees! Haha!
A couple of nights ago, Kerri-ann came over for dinner to catch up with Ash and I. It was a particularly special visit. Ash put some big, fat, juicy steaks on the BBQ so we could help her iron levels. Before dinner, Kerri-ann had a rock in my new green chair. She is officially the first person to rock our little Pandysas in it – what a lovely thought. After dinner, we popped on an episode of ‘One Born Every Minute’ and Kerri-ann lay back on the couch to see if she could get bubba to start dancing. I got down on my knees to help with the process, have a pat, a jiggle and a little chat to my daughter. Ash had a turn too. We both think we felt a bit of squirming (maybe?), but no kicks just yet. We can’t wait til our daughter starts banging away in there so we can feel her presence. Soon!
Things really are very real now. Following a big weekend of furniture removal, cleaning and one too many trips to IKEA (I am not quite sure how that place has managed to sneak its way into my life), our little home is starting to take the shape it needs to accommodate a bubba. And boy am I in nesting mode. It is a bit dangerous really. Purging, cleaning, shopping, cooing, crying, laughing and drinking lots of green tea. It really is a crazy time. I love every minute of it and wouldn’t change it for the world.
Next time I write I will give you some updates on the progress we’ve made on the nursery – currently a blank canvas – waiting for this mama to work her magic. I’ll also fill you in a bit more on what’s going on with my health. I’ll leave you with a look at a painting we just framed and hung in the living room. It reflects how I often feel and I imagine a lot of other MamaBakers may relate.
More about Natalia
Natalia is writing a book for families that are having children via surrogacy. Natalia and her partner believe that it is important for children to understand the truth about their history.
The book is a story book that parents can read to children so that the idea that they were born via surrogacy is part of the fabric of their life. Natalia consulted with an expert psychologist to get the messaging right and it is now being illustrated. She is self-publishing and it will be released in early 2013.
Natalia is currently seeking supporters and sponsors for the production costs. There is a sponsorship proposal that interested parties can look at – personal or commercial -(please email:firstname.lastname@example.org ). People can also follow the book’s progress via the FaceBook page.